Skip to main content

Fifty Shades Dumber

............You know what? I'm just going to throw this line out there for everyone to hear:

Anastasia: "Here I am, trying to be all romantic and you're distracting me with your kinky fuckery."

In the five years that I've been reviewing movies for this site, I've never come across any line in any movie this jaw-droppingly stupid. This line came out of Anastasia Steele's mouth post-coitus when Christian Grey began probing her belly button with his tongue. There was no reason for her, or the writers, to commit to that sentence! And yet, somehow, Fifty Shades Darker seems to sink lower from there. This sequel to 2015's snorefest picks up....I don't know, days after Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) leaves Mr. Grey (Jamie Dornam) for being "fifty shades of fucked up"? Being the creepy, abusive and aggressive stalker he is, our rich prick wants her back, but this time, he wants a normal, vanilla relationship. Okay, not really because he still loses his shit when she goes on business trips with someone that isn't him; he inserts himself into his girlfriend's personal and professional life whenever he gets the chance (Ana now work for a publishing firm who has the brilliant idea of making eBooks popular - just like E.L. James and her Fifty Shades of Grey series!), and he still gets his rocks off by shoving beads in her twat just before they go to masquerade ball. Did I mention this fucker marks up his torso as 'safe zones' to where his lover can't touch him? It's told that his father was abusive towards him when he was young, but that still doesn't make up for the fact that our lead acts like a total asshole thought the film!

This is going to be a rather short review, because in this sequel, outside of Christian and Ana resuming their relationship, nothing of interest happens to make me give a shit about this movie. There are subplots, like Anastasia being stalked by one of Christian's former submissives, Grey's teacher in kinky sex (Kim Basinger, cashing in her check) trying to win him back for some un-clarified reason, Ana's boss, Jack (Eric Johnson) trying to out-do Christian in being a creepy dickbag, but these feel forced into a main plot that would be 90 minutes long instead of 2 hours and 11 minutes! As for the sex scenes - I'll just say this: there's a better movie based on this kind of material called The Submission of Emma Marx. The acting is a bit better, there's more of a spark between adult performers Penny Pax and Richie Calhoun and, most importantly, there is a mutual respect for the boundaries Emma puts in place, as well as each other. Bottom line: when an adult film is better than a prominent Hollywood blockbuster, you seriously messed up.

0 stars out of ****
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowardice

I was looking forward to watching the James Franco/Seth Rogen comedy The Interview  on Christmas Day, even more so than Angelina Jolie's WWII drama Unbroken , or Rob Marshall's Into the Woods . I like what the writing and directing duo of Rogen and his pal Evan Goldberg have done with comedies like Superbad , Pineapple Express and their debut feature, This Is the End . In light of Sony being hacked (which now appears to be North Korea's doing) and threats of attacking theaters that carry the comedy, three things happened today: 1.) Every major theater chain - AMC, Regal, Cinemark, Arclight, etc, had decided to pull out from showing The Interview  on its scheduled release date. 2.)  This prompted Sony Pictures to basically cancel the release date of the film amid threats of blowing up theaters. 3.)  Both Sony and the theater chains basically caved into the demands of cyber terrorism from North Korea. Are you fucking kidding me? We just caved into terrorist d
2 comments
Read more

I'm Dreaming of a White Oscars

What does Stephen Hawking, the godfather of computer science, a hotel manager breaking out from prison during the first World War, a young boy and his family growing up through 12 years and the battle of wills between a aspiring musician and his near-abusive professor have in common? On the surface, these are different films ranging in different subjects. But when you look at the people who stared, wrote and directed these various movies, A few patterns begin to emerge: 1. The cast is predominately white. 2. The story mostly centers on a male protagonist. 3. The filmmakers behind the project are white and male. And all of those films I've mentioned:  The Theory of Everything , The Imitation Game , The Grand Budapest Hotel , Boyhood  and Whiplash  - have all been nominated for Best Picture for this year's 87th annual Academy Awards. Before I go any further, I just want to say that this is not an attack on the films themselves. Most of the films mentioned I really enjoy
2 comments
Read more

Mad Max and the Awards Season Or: Let It Go, Let It Go...

And so, the Oscar race has officially begun, with the Nation Board of Review's annual best of list, applauding and honoring the creme de la creme in film for 2015. I definitely didn't expect to see films like Sicario  and Straight Outta Compton  to be on their list of the 10 best movies of the year, so big brownie points to them for their inclusion. Drew Goddard winning Best Adapted Screenplay was a shock, and well-deserved for taking the source material and creating a funny, exciting script where Matt Damon "has to science the shit" out of being stuck on an unforgiving planet like Mars after being marooned by mistake by his fellow astronauts. I think The Martian  is easily Ridley Scott's best and most enjoyable film in years (yes, I'm taking into account that I liked Prometheus ) , and it's fun to see the director this playful, though I think Damon winning Best Actor and Scott taking Best Director is a bit of a stretch. But then came the pick for Bes
2 comments
Read more