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Evil Dead

Allow me to be as frank as possible about the remake based on the 1981 cult classic, The Evil Dead:

I hated Evil Dead. Fucking hated it.

Hated every last thing about this "film": hated how it borrowed damn-near every horror cliche in the book, from the dire warnings to stop what the individual was doing, turn around and leave while their lives depended on it, to the manufactured jump scares that were as predictable as they were un-frightening.

Hated how just about every character in the story made one implausible and idiotic decision after another, and most decisions would get them killed.

Hated how the director Fede Alvarez and screenwriters Rodo Sayagues and Alvarez put an interesting spin on a cliche like the old, creepy cabin deep in the isolated woods - four friend reunite to help one of their own, a drug addicted youth (Jane Levy) go cold turkey.- and ended up with formulaic drivel that we've seen countless times from the horror genre.


Hated how the the film was just one sick, gratuitous scene filled with one unrelenting torture sequence after another, where faces are cut open, bones shattered, bodies sliced open and blood spurting like a fire hydrant. Just about every goddamn scene is like this. Every. Scene. It's intensely repetitive and it loses its shock value each time the filmmakers pull this card. Scenes of mutilation, torture, and gore are used so much that you just roll your eyes at the whole ordeal, despite the fact there's not a trace of CGI in the entire movie, as it pertains to the Deadites, which again, should be impressive if these creatures were scary, and if the filmmakers didn't bludgeon us with shot after shot of blood flying and people dying left, right and center.

But most of all, I hated that this remake represents every single thing that's wrong with modern-day horror flicks: from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning to this year's pointless remake of Sam Raimi's (who served as a producer on this crap) influential cult classic, horror movies are taking a play from the Saw film series, where mean-spirited scenes of death and degradation take the place of actually trying to scare and shock the audience. There's no fucking reason for the filmmakers to treat their characters like meat for the slaughter and the amusement of the audience, like where the female protagonist gets violated by roots whilst mixing in her relapse and her growing fear of what's lurking in the cabin. Seriously, how is this horseshit considered 'entertaining,' by any standard? But these Saw ripoffs make a nice profit at the box office, and so studios continue to amp up the shock value and dial down on the story, character development, and innovation in telling a story that  gives it's audience nightmares.

Please people, I beg of you: quit giving out money to lazy, uninspired shite like Evil Dead, a top contender for the worst movie of 2013.

Zero stars out of ****

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